Science Fiction Association of Bergen County

This zoom critique session is moderated by Philip De Parto and held on the third Friday of the month
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Each session will workshop two pieces. One will be a story by Phil. The second will be from someone else in the group.
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Stories are given a cold read by someone other than the author. Works should generally be limited to 3000 words / 12 standard pages. It is possible we can stretch this, but contact Phil ahead of time.
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The zoom link for this event is sent via email. You must contact Phil De Parto @ SFABCPhilmu (at) gmail.com if you are new and he does not have your address.

The December session was canceled due to a confluence of snow, sickness, and schedule conflicts, so we will try again in January.
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We are taking a break from the Lion Castle Colony Scenario. Same players, new characters, new setting.
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This is not an official SFABC event, but almost everyone in it is in the club, so I am listing it.
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RECAP: NOVEMBER 16, 2025 SESSION
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Character (Player): Oota (Clare Deming via zoom). Helen (Claire Fisher), Queller Machinson (Charles Garofalo), Joe (Joe Girard), Ro (Romy Vreeland). Dartyen (Gregory Warden), Sioned (Anastasia Warden), Zeno (David Willison).
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1.....Leaving This Town
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The group were still conversing about the day's events when Runeskata noticed a concealed doorway behind a tapestry screened a set of stairs leading up and down. The group gathered round the doorway and debated their course of action. Helen was facing a different direction and noticed someone entering the suite by a hidden door.
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The newcomer was a young woman of about 14, with red hair and the remnants of some sort of makeup or sticky residue on her face. She identified herself as April and was there to lead the group out of their confinement. It was at this point that Zeno decided to cast an enchantment on their visitor. Though the group had been stripped of their magic symbols, spell components, and other gear, there are a few workings which do not require a spell component or have components so commonplace that they can be found almost anywhere.
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April's face went through a couple of expressions before turning red. "You bastard!" she yelled and lunged at Zeno. She kicked him where it would do the most good. Zeno doubled over and was about to receive a second kick when Helen grabbed her from behind and pulled her away with the assistance of a couple of others from the group.
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"I'm calm. I'm calm. You can release me. I will not attack him again.."
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April stated that she was an agent of the Crown. "Of course, lots of people here claim to be agents of the Crown, and most of them are perfectly sincere, even when they are working at cross-purposes. But you people need to get out of here in a hurry. There are too many powerful people who would like to get their hands on you: Mr Cobblepott, the Ebony Countess, the person that robbed and killed your employer, that person's rivals, people interested in acquiring the Qward Stone, people interested in obtaining the Morganti weapons, several different Ministries within the government, should I go on? No? Good! Let's get a move on."
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She went to the hidden door and clapped her hands. The door opened. A number of people in robes identical to the ones you wore entered the room. They numbered the same, and were of the same mix of races and genders. You switched clothes. April explained the plan while the two groups switched clothes. The newcomers would take your place in the suite while April led you to safety. She took the group to another room within the suite and told you the plan.
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April would lead you to a secret exit from the complex. You would depart in inconspicuous groups of 3 - 4 and follow Abby Road to MacArthur Park and turn right at Penny Lane. Follow Penny Lane past Broken Neck Cemetery, and stop when you reach the Bar Nun. One member should remain outside to direct everyone else to the rear courtyard. The rest of the first group should enter the bar and locate their contact. Their contact could be identified by the yellow ribbon in their hair.
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The group of Zeno, Queller, Helen, and Dartyen was the first to arrive. Queller remained outside while the others entered.
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The Bar Nun is operated by the Order of Saint Vittlecuss and houses a minor relic of the Saint: a magic bone which can be added to a pot of boiling water and transform it into a tasty, nourishing broth. The broth is served at no charge to all. The rear courtyard holds tables and benches to serve the needy. The broth is also served to those dining at the inn as a free appetizer.
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The bar itself was simple, clean, and sturdy. The air was filled with all manner of mouth-watering scents. The wait staff were young nuns. An older nun tended bar and kept watch on the establishment. There were a few people sitting at tables, but most were at the bar where a stunningly beautiful young woman told jokes and held court. The group looked around, spotted a young half-orc with a yellow ribbon in her hair, and asked to join her at her table. Aside for the nun who came to take your order ("I'm paying," said the half-orc. "The squid stew is quite tasty."), no one paid any attention to you.
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Your contact introduced herself as Oota. She was one of a number of unemployed veterans of the Giants War who had come to Oceanside City in search of employment. She had been recruited by a representative of the Crown. Oota had done a couple of small jobs--serving as a courier and as a guard--before this assignment. She had no idea if she was actually working for the Crown, but the work had been honest and the pay acceptable, so she was satisfied.
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Oota said that when the rest of the group arrived, everyone should follow Doubleback Alley to Baker Street and exit Ocean City through the Water Gate. Their contact would be waiting for them roughly 1/4 of a mile down Water Road. Dartyen and Helen pressed Oota about the whereabouts of their gear. The half-orc stated that she did not know anything about it, but that their mutual benefactor had treated her fairly, so she was inclined to give the Crown the benefit of the doubt.
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The rest of the group arrived. Everyone but Helen exited through Doubleback Alley. Helen was considering returning to the Administration Complex. Oota pointed out that this would place her alone and friendless in the city and questioned the wisdom of that course. Oota said she could not stay and chat because part of her assignment was to follow the group from a distance and ascertain that no one was trailing them. She and Helen rejoined the group outside the Water Gate.
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2.....Gathering The Team
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The group proceeded West along Water Road and met their contact, Joe, whom they identified by the green pendant he wore around his neck. He had two pack mules with him. One was loaded with food, water, flint, and other basic supplies. The other held daggers, slings, and other easily-transported military gear, It also held spell books for the Mages in the group. These were not the original spell books, but books in another handwriting which contained the same spells. Dartyen and Helen were unhappy about their missing gear and the spell book substitution. Joe could not tell them anything but stated that they were due to meet with other people who could perhaps tell them more.
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The adventurers continued East on Water Road until they came to Middle Boulevard. They went a short distance North on Middle Boulevard until they were hailed by Ro. Ro was waiting at a Safe House which had some of the missing group gear. She said that additional people would be joining them in the morning.
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The following morning two wagons arrived with most of the group's missing gear, everything except for their Magic Rings. This made Dartyen and Helen less unhappy, but still concerned about the absence of their rings. A pair of veteran elves guarded the wagons and the teamsters. The elves were a married couple, Kate, a Mage, and Nick, a former Special Ops soldier who was trained to infiltrate enemy positions and eliminate with extreme prejudice high-value targets.
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The teamsters were composed of two families. The Farkle Family, Frank (father, 31), Fanny (mother, 29), Flicker (older son, 14), Sparkle (daughter, 11), and Gar (younger son, 7), and the Berfuls: Ferd (husband, 17) and Betty (early 2nd trimester wife, 15). They were driving two Convertible Wagons. These are a special wagon used commonly in the hinterlands. They operate like a normal Conestoga Wagon pulled by two mules on good roads, but carry two shorter, extra axles. When the wagons have to travel on rougher, narrower trails, they disassemble and reassemble as a narrower wagon towed by one mule, with the other mule carrying some of the load.
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Later in the day the final member of the party arrived, the stunningly beautiful Druid, Luna, whom the party had seen at the Bar Nun. She had a bag of everyone's missing Magic Rings.
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3......The Road to Piermont
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Luna revealed that the Druids had loaned her to the Crown because both the Druids and the Crown had lost touch with the fortress of Peirmont and the surrounding area. Both factions feared that Giants might be responsible. Druids generally despise Giants because they tend to be despoilers of the environment. She theorized that the spell books and other items had been replaced to avoid certain detection / location ensorcellements.
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Luna guided them West through back roads to Far Boulevard where they headed North. She would often ride or walk ahead of the main group, accompanied by one or two party members. Her sky-high Charisma score, and a willingness to do an occasional Healing, lead to useful gossip, intelligence, and bargains which allowed the group to stretch their supplies.
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The convoy adopted the marching order they followed on their trip to Oceanside City. Zeno was the overall expedition leader. He led the Vanguard which also included Helen, Queller, Dartyen, and Sioned. Javier commanded the Rear Guard consisting of himself, Ted, Shari, Murphy, Brownyn, and Runeskata. The Middle Group consisted of Clare, Joe, Ro, Kate, Dimsdale, Luka, and Luna, with the four player characters taking turns as Commander. The Farkles and Burfuls are also in the middle, as well as a number of extra asses and mules.
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Along the way the group became a community as opposed to a random assortment of individuals moving in the same direction. They became fond of Javier's sardonic sense of humor, Murphy's fatalism, Luka's shyness, etc. Luna would often play with the Farkle children, paid extra attention to the mount, told great stories, and was slow to complain and quick to compliment.
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The party reported in at a Safe House on Far Boulevard near the Gap Road. They learned that a party matching the description of the Adventurers had been spotted departing the Gap Road Gate, but which seemed to have disappeared a short time later.
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The caravan crossed Gap Road and continued North on Far Boulevard and split off from the Boulevard to a secondary, less-traveled road heading North / North East a few days later. The terrain became wilder and less settled the farther they proceeded. Luna stopped at a Trading Post and said that the people seemed guarded and anxious, and that they had fewer supplies for sale than she would have suspected. The adjoining fields showed signs of neglect. The group forged on.
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In another couple of days, they discovered that the road was blocked by a fallen tree. A group of men stood behind the tree. Zeno went forward to meet them, accompanied by a group of Phantasmal Force-created fierce-looking Fighters and an Invisible Dartyen, both spells having been created by the latter.
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One of the men came forward and identified himself as Little Willie. He stated that owing to the hardships and economic dislocations fostered by rise of Late-Stage Feudalism, that Big Willie had been forced to enact a wealth distribution plan whereby it was necessary for Big Willie to assess a Tariff on goods stretching through this portion of the road. Little Willie and his friends--Limping Willie, Twice-Cuckold Willie, Legume-Loving Willie, Willie Loose-Boots, Big Nosed Willie, Watch-Where-You're-Pointing-That-Crossbow Willie, and One Eyed Willie--were virtually unarmed and would offer the caravan no threat. The would even move the downed tree out of the way. But he did want the group to know that misfortunes like hoodlums laying in wait and targeting vulnerable passersby with a volley of arrows and rogue Mages unleashing Fireballs and Lightning Bolts had been reported to have targeted travelers.
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Zeno agreed that times were rough. He proposed that his group and that of Big Willie join forces and travel to Piermont Fortress and ask for assistance. The suggestion nonplussed Little Willie. He told the group to wait here while he brought their message to Big Willie. He said it would take a couple of hours.
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While this had been going on, word reached the Middle Group that a downed tree and a group of men were blocking the road, Luna asked Joe and Nick to accompany her. They left the caravan and struck out to the left to flank them. They came upon a pair of fighters serving as pickets, Slept them (courtesy of Joe), disarmed them, removed their boots, and marched them back to the Middle Group. Once there they sent word to Zeno that they had captured some of the blockader's accomplices.

THIS EVENT IS CLOSED TO NEWCOMERS. DUES-PAYING MEMBERS OF THE ASSOCIATION MAY CONTINUE TO PARTICIPATE.
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(The text which appears below is for informational purposes.)
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Carol Gyzander will facilitate the critique of one longer (5K Word) story via Zoom Video Conference. This will be done in the same format as our live critique sessions, a cold reading by someone who is not the author. The story will be emailed ahead of time to allow people to print a hard copy if they so desire. However, the work should not be read and annotated until the start of the session..NOTE: We limit this session to ten people.
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If you click GOING and do not show, you will be depriving someone else the opportunity to participate. If you marked that you were GOING and your plans fall through at the last minute, please notify Carol and Phil.
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If your story is scheduled to be critiqued at this session, please send it to Carol by Saturday.